Goddamn It I’m a Wordy Fucker!

People who know me know this already, but in the process of dealing with my feelings, which have been quite crazy recently, I’ve been journaling to the tune of 1200+ words a day, often in less than an hour of writing.  And it’s not just emotional vomit or run-on-sentences.  It’s incisive, deep, useful introspection that will end up improving my understanding of myself, my life, and all my current and future relationships.  It’s the cross correlation of countless self-help books, spiritual material, neuroscience, multiple schools of psychology, years of poly relationship experiences, parental influences going back generations, intuition, and guesses right and wrong.  I’m so grateful that I’ve been able to continue to make progress with my own person foibles and demons and become a happier person and better partner.  I’m sorry the process is so deeply painful and unpredictable.  Another Fucking Opportunity for Growth rarely arrives on schedule or alone.  And while I’m a bit of an emotional masochist and martyr, I hate the fact that other people inevitable are forced to share my growing pains.  I hate hurting people I love.  When it rains it pours!  But I’m confident I’ll eventually emerge on the other side, and even in the midst of the pain and heartache, the entire process is fascinating and illuminating.  I’m really glad that’s true for me, because this is already difficult enough without me also hating the process.  Thank God I’m a navel-gazer!

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