Life in the Fast Lane

Injured apples thrown from my scooter going down a steep hill.

Since I harbor the secret belief that pigs actually want to be bacon more than they want to live, I could imagine if I bought some that they might try to beat me home to the frying pan. When I picked up the plastic blisterpack of organic Fuji apples at Costco, though, the idea that they might feel the same way hadn’t occurred to me. I already feel like kind of a hypocrite shopping at Costco at all, but one of my best coping strategies is to go there on my scooter.  This limits what I can buy, and makes transport of larger items more of a pain in the ass. This doesn’t usually involve being passed by fruit, but the instant I hit the large bump coming down a steep hill on the way home, something that sounded a lot like God’s giggle emerged from deep within. A split second later, a enfilade of apples came soaring past me in roughly a 45 degree arc, narrowly missing me, grinding across the pavement, bouncing toward a man weeding his lawn, and gleefully accelerating downhill toward destinations unknown. I stopped to enjoy/hate the Schadenfreude for a few seconds, then parked the bike and started the round up. By the time I was done, I had all but one apple accounted for. All of them are bruised and scraped — I just got done washing them and the container before placing them back in the fridge.

It’s probably time to bake some apples.

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3 Responses to Life in the Fast Lane

  1. Vasa says:


    “Enfilade,” yay for new vocabulary!

  2. Scott Mauer says:


    The choice between enfilade and fusillade wasn’t easy, but it was definitely more a fan of apples than a focused barrage.

  3. Pingback: Life in the Fast Lane | Scott Mauer | WORLD ORGANIC NEWS

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